The Battle of Hogwarts
by mengle6566
Summary: This is a crazy rewrite of the battle of Hogwarts if you were to bring people back from the dead, characters in from other fandoms, and had it all narrated from inside the madness by Rita Skeeter's replacements. Please, join Luna Tick and keep up with the latest happenings within the castle


Disclaimer: Neither I nor any of the people who helped me write this small bit of madness own anything in this story other than the three narrators that are voiced by…well us. We used a lot of different fandoms in this and I will list them at the end of the story for reference.

Authors Note: Alright so here is the thing, do not take this story too seriously, it is meant to be crazy, it was thought up in the form of a list by a bunch of sleep deprived college students at seven in the morning before class. That being said, we decided to see how many different fandoms we could pull into Harry Potter and this is what we came up with. It was actually supposed to be a script for a video, so if the formatting seems weird, that I probably why. So go ahead and try to enjoy, if you do not get some of the references, feel free to look them up, you might find something new you like. And with that, let the story begin…..

The battle of Hogwarts

Created by Luna **Mina**, and _Michelle_ with help from Amelia (note that they way the names are printed defines who is talking in the story)

Good evening, my name is Luna Tick, and I am here to report a play by play update of the battle of Hogwarts in place of Miss Rita Skeeter, who has unfortunately met her demise after being stepped on by a giant. Her remains have been scraped off and the funeral shall be held tomorrow if anyone cares to attend.

Now lets get the ball moving shall we, first things first, that heartthrob Cedric Diggory who was put to rest three years ago is back, although my sources tell me he has brought a girlfriend with him, sorry ladies, and it appears as if this girl is calling him Edward. Alright whatever you say cutie, hey you might want to watch out for that…. never mind.

Oh and in comes madam Hooch, the Quidditch coach flying in to try and help. Yikes, that has got to hurt impaled by her own broom. Well she will be greatly missed, she was a wonderful woman.

Alright well here we have Dudley Dursley, wait what is that fat little muggle doing here anyway? Oh lord he's been turned into a pig, and is that, yes it is Dolores Umbridge running up to the scene and cuddling the pig. Did she just say son? Well that is awkward.

And there goes McGonagall Dueling the Werewolf Greyback, finally we have some proper dueling going on. Nice bit of transfiguration there professor, a three headed puppy. You know I never would have thought to use the words cute and Fluffy to describe Greyback, but that is really just adorable.

Alright, maybe now might be a good time for a break so we are going to cut to Michelle with the weather, Michelle?

_Well its raining rocks and Spider legs out there Luna, I don't think an umbrella will really be any help for anyone, well unless you stole Hagrid's but that is something different completely. Oh and it looks like we are having a bit of a temper tantrum from Zeus, who just struck down Cho Chang with a bolt of lightning, that poor girl, well its not like anyone really liked her anyway. Hey Luna did you know that there is actually a fish out there named Pudge who controls the weather?_

No Michelle I did not, any chance we can talk Pudge into a little bit of Sunlight? Voldemort looks like he could use a tan.

_Well you can always try bringing him a sandwich, he usually likes that, but remember he is a fish, you bring him tuna and you would be an abomination. Peanut butter seems to work well enough though. _

Okay we will get someone right on that, now back to the update, Filch was seen not long ago running around looking for his cat. Personally I don't think he will ever find her, I saw Puppy Greyback chasing after her earlier and he looked hungry.

Ouch, and down goes Percy Weasley at the hands of…Percy Jackson what are you even doing here and why are you riding a dragon?

Oh and speaking of people who shouldn't be here, it appears as if Moaning Myrtle has taken it upon herself to flush the Ghostbusters out of the castle via her toilet. How that is even possible I do not know.

Although since we are on the topic of Ghosts, now would be a good time to bring up the fact that Harry Potter has killed the Bloody baron with a spell he found in the potions book once owned by the half-blood prince. Makes a person wonder just what Snape was planning when he was in school. On a more positive note, Nearly headless Nick can now officially join the headless hunt, due to the fact that his head has now been completely severed from his non corporal body. Have fun Sir Nickolas!

Well now this is an odd one, earlier we saw a distressed Ronald Weasley running into the forbidden forest and he has now emerged and my sources say that he was forced into a marriage with the female leader of the Acromantulas. Only seconds ago he just ran past trying to flee from his new wife, apparently he's not into biting, because he does not seem to like the fact that he is now the new spiderman. Well if that is not irony, I don't know what is.

And now this is a surprise it's Fluffy, Hagrid's three headed guard dog. Well this will be interesting, oh good boy, yes go fetch the Death Eaters

Since we are focusing on the canine species it looks like Sirius Black…wait I thought he was dead? Anyway the animagus Black looks rather irritated with his long-time friend Remus Lupin. Mina did you catch what happened?

**Well Luna it appears that Lupin has accidently turned his friend into a werewolf.**

That has got to be frustrating, well at least tonight is not the full moon. I wonder if his Animagus form will change now?

Whoa watch where you are aiming those curses… I don't believe it, it's You Know WHO! But who is he fighting? I've never seen man before.

**That would be Jafar. Voldemort tried to summon a genie lamp and now the two are fighting over it. **

Oh, and Nagini just swallowed Jafar's snake staff and… eww, Can we get a cleanup crew over here. I don't like snake guts. Now there are these strange round spheres, they're called Taco People… Wait sorry, typo, they are called Taclafane, and watch out for those spikes, oh and down go about a third of the death eaters. Well that made the Order's job easier.

And here come the Dragons, well more of them anyway, the other one is in a corner napping over there. There's Charlie riding Norbert, sorry Norberta, I forgot she was a girl, and Eragon riding on Saphira. Her why don't you all keep to your own Fandoms. And there goes Charlie trying to wake the other dragon, YIKES! Bad luck Charlie, I guess that's why you should never tickle a sleeping dragon, would have thought that a dragon keeper would know that.

Black, what are you doing? Is that Dudley, No you cannot turn the boy pig into bacon! Ugg, no Hagrid Pigs are not endangered… or misunderstood creatures, For goodness sake! Its not even a real pig it's the Dursley Brat… What? No you cannot have pork chops, Sirius send that grill back from wherever you conjured it from. I feel like I am running a kindergarten here!

Here comes Hermione, maybe she can talk some sense into this mad group. Is that Thor, the Norse god of thunder following her? Damn he's hot. Oh and Viktor Krum appears to be fighting for Miss Granger's attention as well. Wow and Thor just threw Krum across the grounds and into the lake, good luck flying out of that one Viktor!

Well lets see, we have had two Thunder gods show up, I wonder if we will get any more …speak of the devil, I do believe that dark clad man who just showed up is Hades. I wonder what he's doing here. And he's got Voldemort. It looks like he is planning on taking him back with him to the underworld. He looks really mad at the Dark Lord.

"you think this is funny? you can't avoid me forever you jerk!"

Wow okay lord of the dead, forgive me but you sound like a jilted lover.

…..

**Luna are you okay?**

Yeah I'm fine, but my desk is now rubble. Note to self, do not anger immortal Deities.

_Yeah, especially since you are only a demigod. _

Hey , who told you that?

**Pay attention to the broadcast you two!**

Right okay so there goes three little kids in in Halloween costumes carrying a bathtub…alright why not. Anyway it sounds like the bag inside of their tub is saying something, I think there may be someone in there. Oh I believe it just said we are all on its Naughty List. Wait did they kidnap Santa Claus? Oh and Peeves has the bag, oops sorry Santa, I think Peeves forgot that not everything can float through walls, oh and the kids…ouch, well it looks like Santa just got rid of three of the names on his naughty list.

_INCOMING GIANT GREEN THING FALLING FROM THE SKY, EVERYBODY DUCK! _

…

Everyone okay? Lets clear some of these rocks away from the camera. Oh, Mina's dead, alright Michelle you'll have to take her place. Alright to all of you viewers who are wondering what is happening, we have just had an earthquake. With the arrival of the Hulk, a great deal of the castle collapsed crushing several people in the wreckage. Identities of some of the bodies removed from the sight are Walden McNair, Sybil Trelawney, Augusta Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Antonin Dolholv, Rebastian Lestrange, and our very own Mina. Oh and Argus Filch was found as well. Lets all have a moment of silence for those we have lost. And Filch as well I suppose.

…..

_Hey who the hell is making so much noise, we asked for silence!_

It looks like the party ponies have crashed the battle, destroying any chance at silence we may have had. Who are they chasing after anyway?

_It looks like Umbridge's ghost._

When did she die? Oh wait never mind, I can see those ugly pink robes under some rocks over there, well I guess that's another to add to the death count. Hey why are they chasing her anyway.

_I think she called them inbred half breeds. _

Well I always thought she was an idiot, okay well lets see what else is going on. Oh forgive me I was just informed of an earlier mistake. Trelawney was not actually killed in the rubble, but crushed by… a police public call box? You've got to be joking? No, alright well ladies and gentlemen it appears as if The Doctor is in. Oh and it looks like the Doctor is trying to help out with the battle. And it looks like the Doctor has managed to bring back Ced…sorry Edward. Hey what the hell is wrong with his skin.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"

And with that the sparkly thing goes down once more at the hand of the Doctor.

And what is that? Is Neville trying to use FiendFyre? This is not going to be good. Neville that is not Fiendfyre, that's a person, in fact if I am right, I believe that may be Dustfinger. Oh and he looks sad, someone take over for me, I'm going to go give him a hug.

_Well it appears as if Neville may be a Silvertongue, maybe that's why we have so many out of place characters here. Alright Luna get back here, that's enough hugging. _

Alright, so anyway it appears as if it is not just Dustfinger who has arrived, but also the Black Prince and the Silvertongue himself Mo are both her as well. While I was over there I told Mo to start tying to get people to get back to their own worlds, although he looks like he is not sure where to start, begin with the sparkly thing love!

Oh and hey it looks like the Boy Pig has found a new friend. No Gir you cannot have my cupcake. Well it looks like Gir is charging down…well everyone while riding Dudly, and hey it sounds like his battle cry is the doom song.

Hey Hulk, watch what you are throwing…is that an impala? Great, Michelle, go make sure the Winchesters are okay please. What Sam is dead? Why does that not surprise me. Oh Dean, give it a rest, this is no time to have a breakdown. See your brother is…right over there and perfectly fine? Okay I give up on explaining that one, lets move on.

What is going on over there anyway?

Snape Snape Severus Snape, Snape Snape Severus Snape, DUMBLEDORE"

_Well it appears as if two people are back from the dead and appear to be singing a rather catchy song. _

Really people this is ridiculous, although I do have to ask, where is that ticking coming from?

"Singing our song all day long at Hogwarts"

"Exterminate"

Everybody run, it's a dalek. Do not let its plunger touch you!

"Delete, Delete, Delete"

Damn it Doctor, look what you've done! Now we have a battle of the Daleks versus the Cybermen, and what the heck do they want with Barty Crouch?

_Wasn't He turned into a bone by his son a few years ago?_

I don't know or even care anymore, nothing is making sense here. If you can explain why we have a bunch of Roman Soldiers fighting an army of metal men, you can take my job.

_Are you referring to the cybermen or the suits of armor? _

This is crazy you know, truly madness, and trust me I know madness. And why the hell are there a bunch of boy bands competing for fangirls? What are they even doing here? I thought this was supposed to be a battle?

_I don't know but the music's kind of catchy_

Don't you start that stupid song again! I will bite you!

"Will you all kindly SHUT UP, WE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"

….

Uhh alright well that was a word from the founders of our beloved school, who apparently were sleeping in the basement of the castle

_Hey, what's happening to Harry?_

It looks as if he is being sucked into the scar in his forehead as if it were a crack in time.

…..

….

….

Hello ladies and Gentlemen, My name is Luna Tick, Does anyone have any idea we are all gathered here today?

The end

Okay well I hope at least some of you enjoyed this, and here is the list of references as promised. if I left any off, feel free to let me know and I will add them to the list.

References: Twilight, Percy Jackson/Greek Mythology, Lilo and Stitch, Ghostbusters, Spiderman, Aladdin, Doctor Who, Eragon, Nightmare Before Christmas, Avengers/ The Hulk/ Thor, Inkheart, Invader Zim, Supernatural, Potter Puppet Pals


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